Growth of RPS's Spirit Weapon

Year 12

Levels:
Strength: Level 10
Intelligence: Level 11
Dexterity: Level 10
Will: Level 9
Luck: Level 7.5
Social: Level 13.6

Intake:
Yet more gems... - Indifferent
Warhammer - Indifferent

Lessons Learned:
"Differences" of Affections
Don't drink the orange juice?

Year 12, Journal Entry 1

Worried. Not heard anything about Emain Macha. Dunbarton quiet too, except for children. Children making trouble, guards don't like. Might start arresting children too soon. Was told library broke. Not made guard for it though, so just watch. Was told to guard fields at dawn and sunset though. Saw ghost wolves for first times. Don't know what was felt when seeing them. Didn't feel like being attacked, or wanting to attack wolves. Didn't not like doing, but didn't like too. Still guarded houses though. Other soldiers work good too. No one breaking - work fast - get hurt, but still work by next time to do job. Good soldiers. Do better than me. Am trying too, but still not as strong.

Other jobs are good. Still cook for Dunbarton and Tailteann. Get supplies from Tir Chonail for people left in Tailteann. Less refyoogeez now. A lot moved. Don't know where all went, but see some in Tir Chonail. Help with getting supplies sometimes. Good people - glad safe - will keep protecting.

---

Tried making contract with Serth after Katsu almost broke. Learned Mariella had another me tell Katsu bad things. Made Katsu run away to Physis. Almost broke in snow. Talked to Mariella about what happened later - said did to make Katsu stop loving me. Didn't work even if Katsu would break. Wrote saying still loved before found. Let Katsu borrow robe after finding. Needed to keep warm. Said could keep if wanted to, but Katsu said it would be returned later. Didn't say when, but don't mind.

Thought about what Mariella said too. Wanted me to prove I could take pain of both loves. Went to talk to Serth about giving same contract as have with Katsu for Mariella, but refused. Had to find other way. Mariella did. Said would hurt me until feeling as much pain as Mariella did. Tried to until Katsu tried to protect. Had to stop and talk to both. Both were sorry, but still don't like much. Katsu said would try to like Mariella too, but Mariella said won't and still hates. So will protect both from both too now.

Think Mariella had good idea though. Both didn't like, but did feel much pain then, so think worked. Understand both's pain still though. Never stopped feeling for long time. Before was told to make choice too.

---

Mariella became nun like Wispy. Wanted to learn to have a big heart again. Don't think Mariella lost big heart, just think Mariella forgot had one. Glad to see learning again. Hasn't tried growing more in long time.

Taking care of Vayne now. Last saw Vayne as child again, with Krystal, Sulian the Mighty, and girl called June. Girls good. Boys bad - wouldn't stop attacking. Was going to arrest when Mariella told to let Krystal take care of. Said orange juice turned Vayne and Krystal into children again. People keep saying am tall, and don't shrink. Will remember to not drink orange juice.

Vayne acting stranger now. Broken. Will ask about later.

---

Learned why hurt so much some days. Went with Katsu to help with jobs in dungeons. Fought ogres with hammers. Like ogres with army in Dunbarton, but dressed different. Armor not as shiny. Still hurt much when being hit with hammers. Katsu was hit many times. Felt all pain. Didn't break, but still hurt much. Will have to tell Katsu to be careful more.

---

Read story about Goddess Macha. Book was given from priest in Tir Chonail. Macha loved a person and changed to be with, but person married someone else. Macha broke - broke self and broke what is called Emain Macha now. Story said human love was fault.

Made me think about a lot told in past months. Am told many times love means caring for just one person. True love. Mariella and Katsu want that love from me. If that love is truth, then don't want. Won't break one loved to be with other. Same as breaking other. If loving both is wrong, lying or breaking one love for another is worse.

Not just love, but people talk about what would mean to be "human". Say would have to make choices - choices that break - choices that destroy - choices that are wrong and worst. Many people want me to be human - to make choices like those. Angron asked me though - do I want to make choice to be human?

Talked to Xeek after Xeek tried to nail me to mountain too. Xeek said may be better not to be human then. Think right. Shouldn't try to be what am not. Know am not human. Called an Ego - Spirit Sword - have no heart like other people, know that now. Felt when Xeek attacked. Stabbed through chest - hurt more than many things - felt cold - heard blade scratching metal. But no heart - no "bump bump" - no blood like when having to attack others. Hurt pulling blade out to protect when Xeek attacked Mariella too. Didn't mind. Needed to protect. Promised to be strong for both hearts that love self's broken one. Told Xeek too, but still lost though. Will have to learn to fight better so can protect better. Mariella didn't break, but might someday if I don't fight better. Katsu too. Can't protect both with just a strong and broken heart.

Temo wrote:

Worried. Not heard anything about Emain Macha. Dunbarton quiet too, except for children. Children making trouble, guards don't like. Might start arresting children too soon.

[[No! What did they do? D:]]

[[ That's for people to figure out. There's been nothing happening outside the usual to folks' knowledge because nobody's tried investigating. (Or at least asked me about it so I could tell them what they might notice )]]

Year 12, Journal Entry 2

Just minor notes...

~ Katsu called Goddess Macha coward. Truth? Don't know, feels different. Will learn more about Goddess Macha.
~ More jobs for Tir Chonail church. Help Mariella if can too.
~ More jobs for Tailteann. Have to patrol for thieves.
~ Dunbarton jobs. Keep protecting people from wolves. Make sure law followed.
~ Train. Need to be stronger still.
~ Make Vayne more cookies for teaching how to give baths.

How to Give Baths:
-Take off clothes first. Wash clothes sep-rate.
-People need breathing. Don't put head under water.
-Wash careful. Not like getting stains from laundry.
-Don't hang like laundry. Use laundry to try.

Year 13

Levels:
Strength: Level 12.4
Intelligence: Level 13.7
Dexterity: Level 13.2
Will: Level 9.5
Luck: Level 7.9
Social: Level 15.1

Intake:
Buttered Toast - Indifferent
Mariella's Dress - Like
Katsu's Homemade Mana Potion - Like

Lessons Learned:
How to "Work"
Mystery of the "Armor Fetish"

[[Three words folks - pu-ber-ty.]]

Year 13, Journal Entry 1

Learning to give Katsu and Mariella time and love alone with. Both are uncomfortable together with me near. Don't know what happens when not around. Both haven't said yet, but don't feel any pain, so no attacking made. Still worry though. Auramune asked question about having to save one of both like others did. Gave same answer - would still save both or break trying. Thought about too. Maybe could save both if both stop loving me. Said making suffer much like this, but said that and both got mad. Complicated.

Met Dranis after talking with both too. Thinks Mariella mad at Dranis. Said it was self's fault, but Dranis didn't believe. Don't know what Dranis doing too. Comes and goes and comes again. Still talks strange.

Katsu - saw differently yesterday. Was told not to say what Katsu did for a secret, but can still maybe write about how felt. Hard to say, but felt, saw something that I couldn't stop looking at. Broke a lot because of it. Happened in Fiodh while hunting. Katsu's secret made me look much. Never saw that strong before - different kind of pretty from normal kind too. No getting hurt, no getting sick like me, and way moved - much like when watching people dance - stayed clean too - no hurting - no blood - protected me when broken from looking too much too.

Felt different too. Like now when remembering and writing. Talked to Katsu about it. Was taught again about emotions and mating and told not ready yet. Don't mind. Don't understand much of new feeling.

Was supposed to meet Mariella after hunting with Katsu, but was sick - rained much - caught cold. Both helped get better. Very thankful. Made good food, but don't think showed being thankful enough. Learned that Mariella and Katsu don't know how to cook - will teach after finishing jobs. Not after eating - was Mariella's time alone then.

Spent time alone with Mariella. Learned felt different because working. Mariella attacked to check. Very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very painful. Was taken back to house to get fixed and rest. Better soon, and Mariella acted strange then. Said to do whatever thought about doing. Don't know why, but ate Mariella's dress. Was like when looking at armor. Felt different when looking at Mariella without, but different from before. Understood what Mariella was telling, what Katsu was telling, and Katsu right - said wasn't ready. And was being told something different from what Katsu said. So said wasn't ready, need to think about both and new memories from eatting.

List to Do:

~Find Serth - important. Find people to help too.

~Talk to somebody about what learned about self's memories so far. Do remember bad things. Need judgement for bad things maybe.

~Find memory crystals. Maybe work better with learning memories. Find out of really Gatemo or somebody else - something else.

~Joust training - fun - learn more when finishing important things and jobs.

[[Whoops, this came a little late...]]

Year 14

Levels:
Strength: Level 12.4
Intelligence: Level 13.7
Dexterity: Level 13.2
Will: Level 9.5
Luck: Level 7.9
Social: Level 15.1

Intake:
N/A

Lessons Learned:
Jousting
Concept of Despair
Sacrifice
Overdrive Skill Learned

Year 15

Levels:
Strength: Level 12.4
Intelligence: Level 13.7
Dexterity: Level 13.2
Will: Level 9.5
Luck: Level 7.9
Social: Level 15.1

Intake:
N/A

Lessons Learned:
"Swordplay" Lessons

[[Granted I wasn't on much this week, but there ya go. ]]

Year 16

Levels:
Strength: Level 13.0
Intelligence: Level 14.9
Dexterity: Level 13.2
Will: Level 11
Luck: Level 8
Social: Level 16.2

Intake:
N/A

Lessons Learned:
Heartbreak

Year 16, Journal Entry 1

Have not made journal in long time. Writing in new one. Lost first journal when died. Katsu said I died - don't remember, but don't remember much after when happened too. Mariella said I disappeared for many months. Came back and had to go away again to find Katsu. Also said I died. Had to stay with in Neres for while. Thought Katsu really did die then. Katsu that was found wasn't the same. Came back to Uldah with after taking care of, but still not sure. Katsu gave good lesson though. Much as I tried, never truthly understood how much pain I give the loved ones until now. Broke Katsu because of, and even after maybe fixing, have to break again. Mariella too. Cannot let Mariella and Katsu keep loving me when can't give the same love that's wanted back. Will only keep making pain that can't be fixed for good. Torture. Prison. Love should not be those if supposed to be good. So need to give back freedom.

Both said would refuse to stop loving, so will do what said I couldn't. Will try to stop loving by self. Don't have to stop, but can lie - bluff. Like did with Mariella. Was hard, but did good job. Was able to free Mariella. Felt much pain and so did Mariella, but will pass. Have to find Katsu and bluff better. Split up after coming back to Uldah. Will find again soon.

Also need to talk to priest - important. Remember more - not all, but enough. Know what I did bad. Know who I did bad with. Still can't tell loved ones or friends, or enemies too. So maybe priest. Not good or bad, can listen, can judge. Or maybe can find judge too. Somebody that is a smart stranger - that can give judgement. Will accept what I am told for judgement.

Year 17

Levels:
Strength: Level 14.0
Intelligence: Level 14.9
Dexterity: Level 13.7
Will: Level 11
Luck: Level 8
Social: Level 16.2

Intake:
N/A

Lessons Learned:
N/A

Year 17

Entry 1
Spoke with Katsu same as with Mariella, but was different - Katsu said loved because of freedom - wasn't being kept from being free because of it. Said could stop whenever wanted to, because was freedom I gave when saving from Serth, when giving Katsu choice. Said wanted me to have same. Was different love from Mariella's.

Still love both, but understand why loves are different now. Mariella's wasn't free and was hurting Mariella because of. Maybe now free, Mariella can stop hurting so much soon. Stop breaking. Katsu said would only freely love if I did too. Have loved both this way, didn't change. So gave choice both wanted to make and chose one to love most. Chose Katsu because self's love was accepted as self's love and accepted without keeping in prison.

Katsu still wanted proof. Saying not same as doing - know that. So Katsu asked for ring. Will find one. Also told Katsu about choice to be judged. Remember much about other life now. Said would let me be judged to show giving freedom. Am thankful.

---

Entry 2
Found ring for Katsu. Goes around neck instead of on hand. Thought would be easier to see as being promise kept.

Katsu liked. Gave one back too. Wear on neck but under clothes like with other things needed to be kept close to heart.

---

Entry 3
Was in Gairech. Went there to look around when learned wasn't allowed in Dunbarton anymore. Couldn't find Xeek to ask. Guards wouldn't call Xeek and said I couldn't look. So went around Dunbarton to explore Gairech. Met dragon there. Said name was Tick-roo-vore. Dragon like Xeek and Mariella. Changes. Changed into boy after eating. Was mad I couldn't say name right.

Was told Tick-roo-vore is real Mariella. That Mariella was doppleganger. Don't understand. Doesn't look like Mariella. No big extras and think has a bonus. Was too tall too. Or maybe I was too short. Had forgotten how to be tall then. Tick-roo-vore said was too small and would make bad mate. Katsu called me "little shorty" before too, but took potion to be same size. Didn't know size was important like that with loved ones. Will remember.

Tick-roo-vore said was first one that made hot and didn't try to attack. Didn't need to attack. Didn't do anything bad and wasn't attacking first. Talked, told me Mariella doesn't exist. That just Tick-roo-vore exists. Not true and told why. Also told would help protect from people trying to attack. Took to Tailteann where was safe. Told Tick-roo-vore to find job. Soldiers give free food and home to people that help them. Also gave special charm. Wanted to give to Mariella, but am not allowed to see again. Said Tick-roo-vore could use when needed help. Would come to. Was told to be good mate before leaving.

Worried for Mariella. Angron said Mariella broke too. Said I broke Mariella and couldn't be fixed - also said I should die three more times. Don't know how to fix, but if not dead, not true - can still be fixed. Learned from both Mariella and Katsu about breaking and dying, but think I understand better now. Will find way to fix Mariella.

---

Entry 4
Met with first judge stranger today. Ceo Island good place to talk. Very quiet - not busy - just have to stay away from golems. First judge was called Yowa. Quiet person. Listened to everything said, but judgement was one that is difficult. Was told to remember and keep living. Don't know how to keep living though. Should turn self in or not? Live free or be in prison for all bad things done? Was told to learn for self, but don't know how to learn this. Bad lesson.

Will still have to talk to other judges - priests - lawyers. Maybe can meet on Ceo Island again. Comfortable.

Year 18 (Adulthood. Yay!)

Levels:
Strength: Level 14.3
Intelligence: Level 15.1
Dexterity: Level 13.9
Will: Level 11.3
Luck: Level 8.4
Social: Level 16.9

Intake:
N/A

Lessons Learned:
N/A

Year 19

Levels:
Strength: Level 14.3
Intelligence: Level 15.1
Dexterity: Level 13.9
Will: Level 13
Luck: Level 8.4
Social: Level 16.9

Intake: ( Really, somebody feed him for cryin' out loud. D: )
N/A

Lessons Learned:
Concept of "Regret"

Years 18-19

Entry1 (Year 18)

Spoke with Dalvar. Priestess in Tir Chonail, second judge on list to speak to. Told about crimes made in all lives. Not sorry for, but hurt for pain caused. Tried much to feel pain caused too. Always have. Not sorry for though - feel did right. Told Dalvar this, said long as trying to do right and feel "regret" for pain caused, don't need punishment - don't deserve death - forgiven. Don't know if true, so will ask other judges about maybe. Will still continue trying to do what is felt to be right too. Why want to keep searching.

Don't know if Katsu understood this when told about. Didn't understand self when first starting too. Want to ask, but have not seen in while. Will search.

Also should talk to Kari about mating again maybe. Katsu is lover. Lovers mate. Should learn more about how to.

---

Entry 2 (Year 19)

Thought much about life and living long time. Remembered other who lived maybe longer with regret - Kana. Was told by Judge Yowa to remember and live with memories. Was told by Dalvar what was felt from memories was regret. Kana once told regretted much, so wrote letter to meet and ask.

Found Kana with Krystal, Vayne, Kaye, Zeffie, and Mariella. Thought people said Mariella dead. Tried making joke about looking good for being dead, don't think joke worked. Nobody understood. Mariella looked like in pain. Maybe because I failed - was supposed to stay never seen again. Hurt, but glad to see Mariella safe. Others too. Think many stay away because of freeing Mariella from me. Don't mind. Even if hated, can still protect.

Talked with Kana alone about how to live with regret, but didn't get answer. Something bad happened and had to talk later. Vayne said forgives me when seeing again. Wanted me to talk to Mariella - said still in pain. Said no and tried to disappear again. My fault. Met with Kana again later and learned different. Mariella found other love, other love died. Glad Mariella can love again, don't know how to feel about other loved. "Suicide" - from bad dream. Didn't know dreams can kill. Reminded of smiling man from when smaller - glad don't sleep now.

Also learned Kana loves Mariella. Has for long time. Told Kana not to be like me. Love Mariella, but could not give love Mariella wanted. Still can't - not same love as given to Katsu. Caused much pain. Kana shouldn't do same if loves and should keep Mariella happy. So told if could do that, would protect. Kana not only friend, but person Mariella can be with and be happy with. Protecting happiness is good job. Like Dalvar said. Not always feel good to self, but feels right.

Learned that Tum Tum died years ago when meeting Tick. Got new Tumtum while in Cor. Delivered to Mariella's house with baby that Glass had.

(quick notes)
- Find Katsu again. Protect what makes Katsu happy.
- Find better home for Glass and Glass's other babies. Home right now looks too small.

---

Entry 3
Was something else Kana said that makes me wonder. When told Kana about crimes and lives, Kana said, "Three people at once, and at the same time, none of them. Must be a painful burden." Told would endure and stay strong, so need to learn to fight better and maybe be complete. Can't break after all that was done, unless part of judgement. Don't know yet, so for now must become stronger, live with regret until judgement finished, continue protecting - endure.

Year 20

No Changes...

[Yeah, haven't been on that much lately, but Temo's in a bit of a slump these days anyhow. >_>]

Year 20

Entry 1

Long time ago, Dalvar said to make people happy.
Have always tried. Even when hurting self. Want to make people happy.
Does making others happy make me happy?
What makes me happy? Can I be happy?

Thought about after talking to Kana.

---

- Need to tell Vayne sorry for pushing on Krystal.
- Thank others for food soon. Helped when falling in Karu.
- Learn what to do with treasure found. Don't want to eat. Don't know why too.

Learned Kana and Mariella were getting married. Was invited but said wouldn't go. Failed again with not being seen by Mariella, but still trying, so said wasn't going. Kana understood promise made, said would respeckt. Kana talked about regret, sadness, and being happy. Also asked what self wants. Asked many times by others, but first time think not sure. Do want to make people happy, but don't know if makes self happy. Never minded for self before, but think maybe if can understand what makes self happy more, can understand what is wanted.

Talked about Katsu too. Told was searching for again. Lost one time, trying to find before losing again. Kana said should try looking in Zardine. Ask dragons - very old and smart - might help. When Katsu disappeared after free from Serth almost broke died. Need to find - protect. Promised.

- Talk to big blue dragon. Maybe find big gold dragon again too.

And also talked about forgiveness. Dalvar said something about forgiving when asked for judgement too. Said was forgiven for what was done. Kana said Kana and Mariella forgive for hurt caused too. Said was better - didn't have to hide anymore - but isn't. Understand now why - why am searching for judgement - why if forgiven by Mariella, still not letting be seen - why even when asking for help from friends, still not talking much. Can't forgive self. Did much bad - have much regret. Said couldn't see Mariella until could forgive self - can't stop training - can't be same self.

---

Entry 2

Maybe if understanding how to be happy, can forgive. Was told days for weddings are good for being happy on, so watched Kana and Mariella's wedding in Filia from where couldn't be found. Saw many friends and many smiles. Also saw Larcen and Starflower. Have not seen in long time - will say hello later. Watched until all went into church. Saw many people together. Don't know if understood, but want to find Katsu more now - maybe can understand when found. Will keep searching.

Will also need to send more letters to others. Can't meet at good times. Will write more. Maybe as good as seeing while hiding. Don't like hurting others with hiding, but don't like hurting self too. If nobody breaking or dieing dying because of small pain when not there, don't think have to hurt more to stop pain.

(The next several pages appear to have been ripped out of the journal. Possibly for the series of letters people have been receiving lately.)

Year 20

Entry 3

Reading other journal writings. Talk about Tuatha de Dananns. "Humans". Still don't like much, but maybe should think again. Remember old learning of Lia Fail. Katsu searched for while. Maybe if search, might find Katsu. Still need to talk to dragons - Lia Fail - learned could grant wishes? Could maybe understand or be "human" if found?

Searched Bangor. No more soldiers, but many animals. Animals don't attack much - nothing from self that is food - just have to defend from ones not liking me in home. Wanted to go to Barri - find way to other world - but dungeon is closed. Think maybe from battle. See many bones - animals maybe ate bodies. Will find other way. Going to talk to dragons today, maybe can be told about different way to find Lia Fail. Maybe can wish for something to help self.

Year 21

Levels:
Strength: Level 16.1
Intelligence: Level 16.1
Dexterity: Level 14.2
Will: Level 13.8
Luck: Level 9.0
Social: Level 17.2

Intake: ( Really, somebody feed him for cryin' out loud. D: )
Moar gems! - Indifferent
Gladius - Like

Lessons Learned:
Treasure Hunting
Lia Fail
Concept of "Truth"
Taking Responsibility

((HEY KARI FED HIM AND HE DIDN'T WANT HER ORES))

((You forgot the gladus to the face.))

[[I DIDN'T KNOW THE ORES WERE IC! XD;;; But he ate the gem that other time!]]

[[And he did not eat that gladius unless it was also the sword fed to him while he was on the ground. In that case, I need to switch that out with the bastard sword. XD]]