Growth of RPS's Spirit Weapon

Didn't know what to put this under really at first, but since there's a bit of writing to it as well, seems like a good spot. I'll be alternating between "stat" entries and journal pages, along with whatever else Temo may feel a need to write down.

Milletian Year 1

Levels:
Strength: Level 2
Intelligence: Level 1
Dexterity: Level 0.3
Will: Level 1.2
Luck: Level 0.9
Social: Level 2

Milletian Year 2

Levels:
Strength: Level 2
Intelligence: Level 2
Dexterity: Level 1
Will: Level 1.3
Luck: Level 1
Social: Level 3

Intake:
Wine - Hate
Cookie - Like
Jerky - Indifferent
Potato - Indifferent
Glass..? - Dislike
Golem Crystal!? - Like (though dislikes due to being "too crunchy")

Lessons Learned:
Basics of Combat
Concept of Metaphors/Figure of Speech
History of Glas "Goblin"
The Buddy System
Basics of Mating
(Forgetting anything?)

Year 3

Levels:
Strength: Level 2.5
Intelligence: Level 4
Dexterity: Level 2
Will: Level 3
Luck: Level 2
Social: Level 4.8

Intake:
Small Gems - Dislike
Bloody Herb - Dislike
Mana Potion - Dislike
Diamond - Dislike
Candy - Like

Lessons Learned:
Emotional Concepts: Fear, Joy, Frustration, Concern
Daydreaming(?)
Flute Playing
Song

The writing was barely legible; and the grammar and punctuation it contained did not help that much...

Was told to keep a journal a while ago. Always forgot until now. Found a memory to that needed writing down so I don't forget. Don't want to forget it.

It was dark so there was no face. Only that smile. It was familyar familur familiar. Didn't like it. Mariella tells me being scared is when something happens and you don't know what to do. Really didn't know what to do then, but wasn't scared because of that. Scared doesn't descreyeb discr describe it. Not that way. Learn to get better from that kind of scared. Don't know how from this. Tried not staying outside at night; by day I don't go to very dark places anymore; make sure to watch.

Mariella said I had a nightmare and am afraid of the dark; don't know. Never sleep and was told nightmares come from sleep. Darkness is not what I look for at night either. Just that smile. Dranis said I remembered something in the past. Aggitates me. Don't want the Smile finding Dranis; or Mariella; or anyone.

Don't like it; but don't want to forget. Need to remember so I can learn more. Will be ready to go to Tir Na Nog soon; searching for family; want to make sure the Smile does not reach them.

Things that happened before this; too much to remember to write at once. May write later. Smile aggitates too much now too.

Year 4

Levels:
Strength: Level 2.5
Intelligence: Level 4
Dexterity: Level 2
Will: Level 3
Luck: Level 2
Social: Level 5

Intake:
Bread - Indifferent
Water - Indifferent

Lessons Learned:
None

2:30 AM when this was posted and I had to edit a lot while tired, but I'm sure there're more mistakes somewhere. Still, hiatus stories. Wee. :3

"I thought you were told to eliminate any who trespass near our border?"

"Even the children?"

"The Children aren't scheduled to report for another two months; and why would you imprison one of our own to begin with?"

"He is not one of our Children, M'am."

The last response had Kurohi very curious. She could understand reasons for anybody from an adult to a young teen trying to infiltrate Bangor or wreak havoc along the borders of his new kingdom, but for a child who could barely lift a sword, it was strange - stranger that he was alone. The soldier that delivered the report led her to the dungeon chamber the boy was being held within. Ever since the place had been remodeled to serve as the emperor's lair, there was hardly any room for a true prison. Any space used for such was simply left barren to house as many people as possible, and not for long. If anyone were to be kept prisoner at all, it would have been for the sake of needing their soon-to-be corpses fresh for goddess knew what horrors.

Naturally, the door was locked and guarded. Upon seeing the succubus and her escort, the goblin with the key bowed and quickly went to unlock it without question. The two fomors followed Kurohi inside; and fortunately, they were standing behind her so they could not see the shock in his expression. Sitting motionless in the center of the room was a young boy, just as they'd said they captured. His skin was bronzed and long hair dark - both messy and caked with mud as were the tattered rags of the white robe he wore. The rags would have made even the best of tailors weep at trying to repair them. He was definitely a child - if not in appearance then in personality - and most likely an orphan as well. Those brown eyes full of innocence shamelessly reflected that, though Kurohi felt something strange about them when they slowly lifted to regard the trio.

However, it was not the eyes that unnerved her so, nor the boy's looks. It was the fact that he was there. He should not have been in the dungeon or anywhere near Bangor for that matter - not without it being noticed somewhere at the crossroads of Gairech.

It soon dawned on the guards that they had indeed been standing there doing nothing for quite some time. "M'am?" one of them piped up inquisitively.

After another short silence, "Leave us."

The guards blinked and glanced at each other in confusion. Leave her? Certainly the boy would cause no harm to one of Fenrir's most prestigious generals, but this was still somewhat strange behavior for her. They could not place their gnarled fingers on it, but something was off. When Kurohi turned slightly and they caught that menacing glare in her golden eyes, the thought was immediately dismissed as they nearly stumbled in their hurry to get out of the chamber. That was more like the merciless woman they knew.

Kurohi waited for the door to slam shut. The guards even took the care to lock it. Good men - even when fearing for their lives, they remembered rules weren't to be broken, even if it was at her expense. Turning her attention back to the boy, who had not moved from his spot on the floor since company arrived, she paced closer. The urchin remained motionless and silent, staring off into space. Had she not received word of him having such behavior before, Kurohi would believe he had died sitting up. Despite the worry his presence gave her, Kurohi found herself smiling as she spoke. "Have you been practicing the song I sent you?" she asked.

The boy gave no response at first. Then, with a blink, those emotionless eyes lifted to stare at the succubus. "No." came the quiet reply.

"My voice, perhaps?"

The hope that Temo might have remembered at least a little something about her was dashed when he repeated himself. Sighing, she shook her head sadly. "You really are gone, aren't you?"

Temo continued to stare blankly, though Kurohi could sense something in his eyes questioning what she said. The sullen expression left as she replaced it with a smile. Maybe it was better this way; but Kurohi had been hoping for more when she learned of his existence. She was hoping this was a chance for her to redeem herself. She should have known better - redemption of any sort was beyond her at this point. She changed the subject. "It's nothing. Nevermind. Instead, let me ask this - have you been practicing the song I sent you, Temo?"

The boy blinked again when his name was spoken. He did not recall giving it to this stranger, yet she knew it. Not only that, but she appeared to be the one who mailed him a small number of anonymous gifts in the past. "How did you--"

"I have my ways." Kurohi replied quickly. She had been keeping a sharp eye on Temo through agents about towns ever since learning of the boy with an appearance similar to the one she trained before he became Fenrir. It was an easy task - she had plenty connections and espionage was something she had been an expert in for years. She still had no clue how he came to be; but from reports received, he was not living, nor was he one of the dead or undead. "Have you been practicing?"

Temo continued to stare, but gave a slow nod. His eyes watched then as Kurohi pulled a flute from her robe and offered it to him. Taking it as a silent request to demonstrate, he did so. The playing was nowhere near a masterpiece, but it was nice on the ears judging by the calm expression on his captor's face. Somehow he found comfort in that - it was a different look from the distorted looks he got from others when he tried practicing in the past. It made him feel a little more comfortable about being around Kurohi too. She did not appear to be there to hurt him.

She waited until he finished before giving a nod of approval and taking the flute back. He was different, to be sure - Fenrir and the Gatemo before him had little in the way of musical talent. Maybe there was hope for Temo after all. "You play very well." she said while tucking the instrument back under her clothing and standing. "Maybe I'll send you another song sometime. But tell me - why are you here? I believe there were several warnings issued about people coming near Bangor."

"Searching." Temo replied.

"For?"

"Family. Was told they might be in Tir Na Nog, and the way to Tir Na Nog is in Bangor. Need family to return my memories."

Kurohi already froze when he mentioned where he was headed. She knew of the other world very well, and it was no place for him to be wandering about - especially in search of something that did not exist, and more importantly, stumbling upon something that did. Unfortunately, what exactly that was she had not figured out yet; but Fenrir hid something there. He hid it too well. The last thing she wanted was for it to awaken some sort of suppressed memory in this child's mind, let alone anybody he might have come across. "I'm afraid I can't allow that. Your 'Tir Na Nog' is a very dangerous place."

"Was told. Still want to go."

"That's a pity. The only passage is through my domain, and I forbid it. You have no clue how much you can lose in going there, little boy."

"Still want to go."

"Perhaps I didn't make myself clear." Kurohi crouched again, but this time she caught the boy by the hair and yanked his head back so he was forced to look directly at her. From what scouts told her, he had trouble understanding emotions; but he could still comprehend the more simple ones. Perhaps he could tell she how serious she was about this. "I forbid it. It's for your own good. Have you ever thought what might happen if what you weren't looking for was in Tir Na Nog? Who it might affect?"

That comfort vanished instantly. For a moment, Temo regretted the little bit of feeling he had in his head. Things normally hurt there and he was used to that, but somehow this person managed to make it feel even worse. Her hold was only getting tighter too. The stranger's words did make him think though. He often wondered about how regaining his memories might help or harm those he came to care about - or at least thought he did. He was sure it was what drove him to attempt reaching Tir Na Nog alone rather than with those who wished to help. He did not want anyone getting harmed on his account. He could not be sure of what emotions he felt and definitions that were given to identify them were as descriptive as they were vague. A lot of things in his mind were like that and incomplete, much like this warning he was being given. There was something he was not being told and this was someone who seemed to know. "You can tell me what I am going to Tir Na Nog for then."

Sharp kid, despite his looks. She did not expect him to draw up a conclusion like that at all but it did not change her decision. "I won't. You're better off not knowing."

That did not change his either. What he had to do if he wanted to be whole was obvious then. "Still want to go."

Frustrated, Kurohi thrust Temo to the floor as she let go of his hair. Even like this, he was as stubborn as she remembered. "Then you'll stay here until you want otherwise." she growled. Standing again, she turned and smoothed out her clothing while heading for the chamber door, forcing down the emotions that had been starting to boil over from the encounter. "How long you stay is up to you."

The guards opened the door promptly when it was commanded and kept a wary eye on Temo as their general exited. Once she was out, it was quickly brought down and locked once more. The soldier that escorted her to the cell was dismissed somewhere down the hall, leaving Kurohi to wonder how on earth she was going to manage keeping the boy locked up. It was going to be difficult to break him of that resolve. She could probably lie, tell him things unnerving enough to keep him out of Bangor for a good while; but it would never last. She could not keep him imprisoned forever either. If Fenrir found out about this, it would mean her neck as well as Temo's. That was if nobody found out before he returned. The alchemists and mages would have a field day picking him apart to find out what he was. Kurohi fancied the idea herself for a brief moment too; but she dared not act on it. If Temo really was who she thought, she did not want to give even the slightest chance for history to repeat itself.

She needed him out of Bangor. How to go about it when almost every move you made was being observed though? She was one of Fenrir's most trusted agents, had several of her own, and yet she could not trust any of them, they all answered to him as well. She was almost always under watch despite her position. That was just how much Fenrir trusted her or any of his officers - hardly.

Temo sat once again in the dark silence of the chamber he was locked away in. Time rolled on and he quickly lost count of days and months that went by. Aside from moving to eat, he never budged from his spot in the center of the room. There was never an attempt to escape. He made no complaints and did not speak unless spoken to, which was never unless Kurohi came to see if his mind had changed. It never did and each day, she was getting more and more desperate in what she could do. Thankfully soldiers had been more concerned with developments in their new empire to care too much; but time was quickly running out. Fenrir's own preparations would be finished someday and when he returned there was nothing more she could do.

It was close to that day that she received a letter that gave the break she needed. The Children needed her in Taillteann. While she was supposed to be impersonating Fenrir on the side until his return, this did take priority if he wanted his plans to succeed. It was also a long journey, so there was plenty of time to make the necessary stops and avoid watchful eyes at the same time. Temo could not come with her for both their sakes, but perhaps she could arrange something else...

Year 5

Levels:
Strength: Level 2.7
Intelligence: Level 4.4
Dexterity: Level 2.5
Will: Level 3
Luck: Level 2.2
Social: Level 5.2

Intake:
Bread - Indifferent
Water - Indifferent

Lessons Learned:
None

[[Yeah, no real progress. Didn't really eat anything... x3]]

Year 5 Journal Entry...

Learned it's been two years. People say I grew, but still feel the same. Haven't written anything in a long time either. Not since about the smile. Found a way to reach Tir Na Nog two years ago. Was supposed to go with Mariella, Dranis, Thomas, Angron, and J, but think I did what they called "worried". Kept being told it was dangerous and not what I wanted. Worried about people breaking because I couldn't do a good job, so went alone.

Was attacked by Fomors in Bangor. They took me into Barri, put me in a empty room, locked the door. Didn't talk to anybody until a woman came. Blonde hair, gold eyes, didn't look happy. Learned she was the one who sent me ananee annonn things with no name. Still don't know why, wouldn't tell me. Also told me I couldn't go to Tir Na Nog, that she wouldn't let me pass. Kept me in the room for a long time to make sure I didn't go. Couldn't talk to anybody but her.

Met J not long ago. The room opened and Fomors attacked. Called it an "initiation". Don't understand, but killed them, took their weapons, left. J found me and helped me leave Barri. Told him I still wanted to go to Tir Na Nog, but he said no too. Said he promised somebody I wouldn't but not who. Was able to go by getting "kidnapped" though. J wasn't happy when he reached Tir Na Nog but stayed to guard. Thomas, Xenny, Mr. Freeheart, and Soifa came too. Don't know why, but Mariella was there. Said she died, but didn't look dead. Just different. Changed more later, had wings and red hair, could fly too. Complete they said. Also learned she was going to marry Dranis. Had to break promise because of it. Learned that "love" means having a heart beat for two; three would break it, she already has Dranis's, so couldn't give her mine when I find it. Don't mind since I have no heart to give now. Still don't know if I can have a heart, but looking.

Didn't find parents in Tir Na Nog, but didn't find the smiling man either - good job. Did remember a gem - found it in the cemetery - purple/black and broken. Remembered more and went to a dungeon to see if here were memories inside. Found several, scared now. Remembered Fomors that were in Barri when I was there for two year, remember something about jewels bigger than the one I have now that do something strange, remember a feeling I don't understand but aggitated when looking at Thomas and J now. Or me in a mirror. Didn't tell yet. Want to understand first. Just said I was scared. Others tell me there's no reason, but still am. Very scared of me. Don't know if I'll be complete like Mariella. Something is different.

Year 5, Journal Entry 2

A lot happened. Went to Cor with Angron, Jeneena, Mariella, and Angron's friend called Amay. Went exploring on the river. Forgot being there before, but felt something familiar before we fell over a waterfall. Found strange people that wanted Angron for something called a sacrifice. One almost broke me again. Need to get clothes fixed - shirt and coat cut bad.

Learned that "sacrifice" means breaking someone. Mariella wants to so I will be complete. Don't want to if it means breaking anything. She changed a lot. More complicated when talking to her, but still learning things. Learned what a "first kiss" was. And that Dranis was something called a "demon". Taught Mariella something too though. Telling the truth. She and Dranis kept fighting until she did. They are getting married - said it again, but sounded different this time. Don't know why, but decided will try harder not to go to Tir Na Nog again. Mariella told me she still wants my heart and Dranis said she wouldn't break, but won't still. Dangerous and might break Dranis too. Jewel I found in Tir Na Nog was glowing and he didn't like it. Even if heart isn't found, still might break him with learning about it. People said I was strange too. Yawned and looked sleepy, but don't remember. Don't sleep too, so don't understand.

Talked to Thomas about the big dogs from memories. He and Gorgy Too said they are licun lichen dogs - big big dogs. Learned to howl like them and aggitated more because. Bad memory. Still reminded of big dogs I saw in Barri, but they're familiar too. Very familiar.

Going to stay in Cor for now. Keeping journal in pocket instead of library shelf. Want to write more in Iria. Away from Ma Thom D ...people. Too many people. Need to think and learn alone right now - things too complicated with too many people - don't know what to do - don't feel scared but feel strange. Will still do jobs, but only jobs until thinking is finished and strange feeling is gone. Will write more too so there's no forgetting.

[[So -I- don't forget. XD]]

Year 5, Journal Entry 3

Several sketches and symbols of artifacts found litter several pages of the journal. After a blank one, the following "To Do" list was written down...

List of what to remember

- Why to become complete?
- Do I need to?
- Why Connous feels familiar.
- Be careful around hobgoblins. Make sure no more follow to Cor.
- Talk to Angron about "sacrifice". (Done)
- Ask Dranis on what Liiam said. (Done)
- Ask Mariella on what Liiam said. (Done)
- Ask Wispy on what Liiam said. (Done)
- Ask Azarune on what Liiam said...find Azarune too. (Done)
- Learn spell for laundry.
- Find Mr. Voight something beside what he calls "junk".
- Hot's lessons ( Rated PG-27...not really, but I don't think I should post 'em here anyway. )
- Make sure otter washes hands before cooking.
- Learn why my hand was disappearing.
- Wetus Remos.

Year 6

Levels:
Strength: Level 4
Intelligence: Level 5
Dexterity: Level 3
Will: Level 3.5
Luck: Level 3
Social: Level 7

Intake:
Red Peppers: Like
Rice: Like
Kabob: Like
Jaeden's "Special" Tea: Like

Lessons Learned:
Pregnancy
Slavery
Sacrifice
Gods and prayer
Stage 1 of Past Recovery

Year 6, Journal Entry 1

Much happened again. Talking to people I remembered to changed mind. Didn't want to go to Tir Na Nog because thought it would keep Mariella and Dranis from hurting - or Thomas, Wispy, J, others. Didn't think family was there anymore, so had no other reason to go other than being complete. Don't want to hurt friends. Worried about what memories would do.

Dranis was strongest about not wanting me to go. Learned he was scared I would change. Scared to, but still needed to go. Wispy said was dangerous too. Gave me presents to protect. Very thankful. Wanted to go alone so wouldn't hurt anybody when remembering, but Vora Vore Itchy Ichee Strawberry learned from Mariella. Went with me, and Teo too. Both very strong, so could trust not to hurt a lot. Ask lot of people why they exist. Many different answers. Asked Strawberry, said what do I not exist for instead? Hard to think about that. Suggested I try existing to protect since didn't like hurting.

Wanted to go because wanted to learn to exist. Incomplete and hard to know if what I do is from lessons or me. Wanted to find out. Saw strange things in rest of memories. More fomors that were familiar - want to see Rabbie later - strange man in armor - saw no face, but think it was the smiling man. Saw something didn't remember then. Big monster. From reading stories maybe. Wings, many arms, big weapons. Looked sick, but still strong. Think it was what was called "nightmare". Teo and Strawberry killed it - very strong. Thankful they came. Aggitated though. Didn't find anything else but those memories and strange nightmare. Leaving Tir Na Nog there was thought of a woman with wings. Think she was goddess from what was learned in church.

Wispy says gods love everyone, but worried. Didn't love goddess. Didn't like. Told Wispy when came back from Tir Na Nog, said it wasn't good, but they still love. Will learn why I don't like later.

Promised Wispy would see again when coming back. Tell was safe. Same to Mariella, so was going after looking for what Strawberry told about. Found school for knights in Emain Macha's castle. And place that was familiar behind when searching. Found girl there too. Also familiar, but don't remember. Said we never met too. Name is Katsu. Gave me job to take her to Cor, so did when going to see Mariella. Mariella was sick and Dranis not there - probably job. Gorgy was helping. Helped too - gave medicine - took back to Emain Macha with Katsu when time for her to go home. Learned that Katsu had Owner instead of parents.

Mariella said Owners are bad. Own slaves, which is also bad. So spoke with him. Man named Serth. Talks about souls and contracts: promises on paper. Said Katsu made promise with him. Mariella wanted to make one to make me complete, but didn't like. Something said that made her mad too. Had to help her not attack. Found Katsu to play with later, but don't think Owner liked. Katsu was tied to his home later. Mariella and Katsu didn't like, so made a key to let her go. Staying with Mariella now until parents are found. Help when can, but many jobs now. Searching for Galin's mate - searching for Mr. Justice - in Emain Macha school as squire - learning about protecting - still do jobs when can too. Many jobs.

Will do best to find existence.

Year 6, Journal Entry 2 [or "Good Gravy, So Much Controversy in One Day!"]

Had first classes and missions as squire today. Teachers said fighting was enter intirmeed intermediat but entele intelliji "word for thinking" is questioned. Have book classes with many smaller people - fighting classes with taller. Told needed to be smart with sword and mind to be a knight. Many books to read and missions to do. Mr. Niltsiar was assigned one teacher, but only taught things of fighting I know already. Sparred much with him, then with bears. Some broke and couldn't be fixed. Have to be more careful. Two more teachers assigned, but don't know them yet. Will tomorrow.

Also learned people say different things too much. People said Mr. Shane was bad, but Mr. Shane said was good. Mr. Xeek is bad, but people say Mr. Xeek is good. Mr. Freeheart is good, but does bad things and should be bad. Mr. Azarune said reporting attacks is good and bad. Ms. Jaeden said "jealous" is what Ms. Mariella is, Ms. Mariella said not jealous. Ms. Jaeden wanted me to stay, Ms. Mariella wanted me to go. Mr. Dranis said was jealous instead. Mr. Darian said polite and nice are different, but polite is nice. Mr. Dranis said wasn't attacking, but words were asking for attacks. People to me to think for self too, but still don't know what self would think. Think too different with too many voices. All day. People very complicated. Flaws? Will ask.

Went to library and--

The writing ends abruptly, but continues with something different on the next page...

Large gem from Tir Na Nog cracked. Don't know why. Safe in pocket so shouldn't break. Will learn about later. Also felt cold for small while. Maybe broke for a small while but fixed. Reminded to make sure Mr. Dranis and Ms. Mariella don't break forever too. Mr. Darian said they had to be good now, or would break. Will make sure. Told much that knights need to protect, so will protect people. Do what's learned until can think for self.

- Remember to talk to Katsu's Owner.
- Be ready for Mr. Niltsiar attacks.
- Learn to protect.
- Buy cheesecake again. Taste is familiar.

Year 7

Levels:
Strength: Level 5
Intelligence: Level 7
Dexterity: Level 4
Will: Level 5.2
Luck: Level 4
Social: Level 8

Intake:
Boublaisse (Some kinda seafood. Iunno... XD) - Like

Lessons Learned:
Criminal/Law Studies
Abuse of Authority (and hates it)
Kissing
Emotional Concept: Joy(2), Frustration(2)
Concept of..."Limitations"

Year 6-7, Journal Entry 1


Dranis tried to break Mariella and Soifa. Won't say why but still bad. Had to turn in. Was shot with arrows when trying to, but Dranis and Mariella helped - Mariella was aggitated about when I was shot. Almost broke again, so came with to make sure it didn't happen again. Went to turn Dranis in after getting fixed, but got away. Teacher said next time take weapons and items before turning in. Did with Xeek. Xeek was good - only murdered by mistake when Gorgy wouldn't be turned in. Disabling broke him. Had to turn Xeek in for murder, but people in castle released him for being good. Xeek joined Emain's knights too. Helped turn in Dranis again. Don't know how Dranis got away again, but will try harder third time.

---

Katsu isn't happy, but doesn't want help. Don't like. Says it's bad for me to sacrifice. Know, so wasn't going to. Wanted to find something else to pay for helping with. Gem found in Tir Na Nog was good. Not sacrificing self, but old self. Learned things about me from it, so maybe Serth would take. Mariella didn't like. Still wants me to be complete. Do too, or thought. Don't know now. Being complete not as important as friends being happy. Told Dranis this long time ago. Still believe even when trying to do something else.

Will trade later if okay. Find other way to be complete then.

---

Tried to trade for Katsu's freedom. Others say wrong for Katsu to be owned. Serth told why, so understand. Don't like, but understand. Like Serth. Keeps many promises, has much trust. But still bad person. Does things didn't learn about in law, so don't know if it's the right bad to turn in for. Still bad - Katsu shouldn't keep forgotten promises and Serth is making Katsu forget.

Went to trade gem for Katsu. Learned I don't mind being incomplete. Better for friends to be happy - feels nice - feels better - don't have to think about what was done when used to be complete. Can find other way to be complete too. Don't mind. Know something bad was done. Just not what. Katsu wasn't happy not knowing - not happy with Serth - Serth thought different, so told him. Was going to trade, but Mr. Freeheart interrupted. Bet soul for Katsu's freedom in race. Knew Mr. Freeheart would lose. Doesn't think much, loses a lot because of it. Don't like sacrifice, but sacrifice for nothing worse. So bet too. Mr. Freeheart and Katsu's freedom for gem, and Serth would make no more contracts. Wouldn't see Katsu if lost too. Learned better to succeed with more numbers. Didn't have enough numbers. Lost.

Rexberry traded doing jobs for Serth so could see Katsu still. Don't like. Had to break promise for a sacrifice. Mariella's aggitated. Said can't expect friends to not do things for me that I would do for them. Understand, but still don't like sacrifices being made for me. Complete shouldn't have to sacrifice for an incomplete too.

Azarune went to see Serth too. Don't know why. Said was for mission but didn't say what mission was. Serth was very busy today. Many people wanting talks or contracts.

---

Mariella left for home. Were trying to find Rexberry - stole Katsu - wanted to get Katsu back. In Zardine now at lake. Long time since coming here. Quiet, have much time to write and think. That's good. Remember what Serth said about why Katsu isn't allowed to remember. Said something bad happened and would be painful, but still think it's important to know. Or thought. Scared again - scared about when searching for memories. Mariella said wasn't important if can't remember bad things done - doesn't mean you're bad.

Don't know, but when Rexberry stole Katsu, said things about me. Said gem I had was something bad and that I did something bad too. Or knew somebody bad? Don't know. Trying more to remember while here. Will continue search for Katsu soon too. Might have to talk to Serth to find. Blue thread in contract could tell. Want to learn why Katsu went with Rexberry - why Rexberry wouldn't tell why he stole Katsu and says I'm bad. Learn much to try being good, so want to learn what doing wrong.

Remember what Xeek and J talked about in dungeon. About law being wrong and bad. Wouldn't do it then since not how to be a knight, but don't know what to do if was bad before learning. Good to turn self in, but might hurt people. Might hurt people if don't too. Don't know what to do if Rexberry told truth. Scared, very aggitated.

Going to stop writing. Time for walk now. Will continue searching soon.

Year 8

Levels:
Strength: Level 5.5
Intelligence: Level 7.4
Dexterity: Level 4.3
Will: Level 5.3
Luck: Level 4.9
Social: Level 8.3

Intake:
Strawberry Milk - Like
Steak - Like
Scrambled Eggs - Like
Spaghetti - Like
Vales Whiskey - Like
Vales' Fire - LIKE


Lessons Learned:
Dreams
Murder vs Execution
Apathy
Catfights
Stage 2 of Past Recovery

Year 8, Journal Entry 1

Watched people die. First Serth, then paladin. Serth needed to pay the right way for souls bought. Was taught 'life for life'. People die so Serth owns them, so Serth should die to. Didn't want though - ran - had to chase. Went to Vales to find. J, Thomas, Mr. Freeheart, and Mariella were there. Met man named Threse. Learned was Serth. Made pay. Had to use much pain so pay was good. J said was good with pain and would do it. Watched and learned.

Didn't like. Felt wrong. Was told execution is good because of law, but didn't like watching Serth die still. Didn't like J having to do it. Should have done it by self. Will next time, but still don't like. Found things when looking for Serth. List - gave to instructors. Said they would investigate. Made copy before going to Vales to find Serth. J found other list too. Serth wanted person named Lai-kick-uh. Dalvar came too, but don't know what was talked about. Went to bury Serth.

Came back from Vales and patrol. Went to talk to instructors about what happened. Found no instructors but student being attacked. Murdered. Didn't help. Just watched. Don't know why, but watched, the left. Didn't report. Didn't tell. Just writing here. Did something bad. Don't like doing bad or murder. Why not feel pain this time then? Didn't like, but didn't not like too. Was strange.

Found drink in Vales too. Was called whiskey. Much better than wine. Remember liking taste much, but still try not to drink. Told Mariella not to drink alcohol. Would be bad if did it. But remembered much when doing. Even closed eyes and saw things better. When in Tir Na Nog. Picked up strange rocks then. Talked to big dogs J gave a strange name...had strange time when was a wolf too. Met that man with the smile. Attacked me. Don't remember rest. Stopped drinking too and came back to Emain Macha. Went to report, saw murder that had no feeling about.

Found Mariella and Mr. Creepy. At pub now. Will write more later. Don't know about telling people what happened yet.

Year 8, Journal Entry 2

Was quiet yesterday. Liked, but worried for Katsu. Was sick when left with Mariella. Mariella said left Katsu with Dalvar. Didn't know Dalvar was doctor, but want to see soon. Will send note and find. Also need to wait for Serth. Know Serth will come back and still has much to pay for. If makes Katsu hurt like promised, will have to pay for more too. Already bought, but abuse still bad by law. Child abuse worse.

Said was going to stop learning about being a knight, but don't know now. Still feel bad about execution and still don't like turning in friends, but still learning much too. Knarex said should always defend friends, but thinking not right. People are important to. Not good when they for bad reasons - friends wouldn't like - family wouldn't like. Hard to think about, but will do what makes as many people safe as can.

Mariella said fell asleep. Don't remember, but was somewhere different than when last saw her. Don't remember seeing things that time too. Last night saw much though. Remember resting on Mariella - listened to heartbeat. Was nice. Familiar. Like listening to hearts much. Don't remember when it was, but heard different heartbeat. Sounded same, but know was different person. Didn't see who, but remember red string tied to a finger, same color as one on contract Serth showed long time ago. Will try to look again when see him. Was Katsu's contract. Need to learn about list too and people on it.

Felt strange when seeing. Want to learn about fast. Harder to think now and don't know what to say to people anymore. Remembering bad things and now things that don't understand. Need to learn fast, or be complete faster. Maybe will understand everything then.

Year 8, Journal Entry 3

Learned something new. Can make weapons. Not like blacksmith, with hands. Happened studying sword. Learning about new feeling have with hands. Made pain when touching blade on a finger - cut. Hurt much for while, then got warm. Finger had light on it, then hand, then sword. When light was gone, sword was too, but felt different. Remembered what sword looked like well. Tried casting and made new one. Just like one that was gone.

Tried with other things too. Armor, shield, money, all came back, all disappeared. When self started disappearing though, had to stop. Learned about other things with hands. Remembered that Mariella felt soft when learning to massage. Katsu's hand too when searching for red string. Was nice. Warm. Tried poking self. Soft too, but different. Harder. Cold. Remember being told self felt warm, but didn't feel that. Want to try seeing what others feel like later too. Maybe wouldn't mind pokes instead of putting head on them.

Maybe can do something for Mariella with new feeling too. Made Mariella hurt. Didn't like when self was sleeping with Katsu. Hit and yelled much. Said shouldn't do things with Katsu because bad. Was taught bad things that felt good weren't bad if no one hurt, but Mariella said hurt bad. Sad wouldn't hurt if did things that did hurt when tried with Katsu weren't with only her. But think that would hurt Katsu. Don't like doing that. Or hurting others that might too. Mariella said can't not hurt everyone, but still want to try. Will try harder.

Katsu told story before self slept. About Gatemo and Fenrir. Said she loved Gatemo before he turned into Fenrir. Said Gatemo met another girl. Were 'kind of' married. Gatemo turned into Fenrir. Also said self was Fenrir, but don't understand. Was told Fenrir is in Bangor. 'Evil, tyrant, ruler'. Self doesn't do those. Asked Xeek, Xeek thinks am Gatemo too. Said name Temo was 'playing on words'. Not know what that means, but will learn. Katsu said Fenrir was not complete too. Said it's why am Fenrir.

Notice thinking about Katsu and Mariella much now. Different people but same. Listened to both hearts, same thing. Think same, say same, are friends...think are friends. Are self's friends too but act strange sometimes. Self's fault. Keep doing something bad. Want to fix somehow.

Year 9

Levels:
Strength: Level 6
Intelligence: Level 8
Dexterity: Level 5
Will: Level 6.5
Luck: Level 4.9
Social: Level 9.1

Intake:
Baked Potato - Indifferent
Mushroom Gratin - Dislike

Lessons Learned:
Mana Extension
Plant Care

Year 9, Journal Entry 1

Been learning much lately. Learned to cook more. Made good cakes for people. Learned that Katsu and Mariella like chocolate, Soifa likes coffee, Azarune not like cake, but Zeffie maybe. Don't know if Zeffie likes cake. Wouldn't take for while.

Think strange owl is following self. Keeps sleeping on head. Mariella doesn't like - scares away. Katsu thinks owl is cute. Ryuuxen wanted to eat. Soifa thinks owl is strange. Do too, but don't know why. Think Serth was talking to when met him, but don't know about what.

Made new bet with Serth for Katsu. Serth promised Katsu would suffer when returning from dead. Said sorry for giving wrong kind of pay, but Serth didn't accept. Don't mind, am sorry still. Was wrong. Worried, but Katsu strong. Serth only hurting self too - abuse bad. Won't be long, but gave warning too. Will punish Serth again if harming Katsu. Still don't like suffering, so wanted to make sure. Bet Serth for who shares Katsu's suffering. If win, Serth does. If lose, self does. Serth let borrow glasses too. Had new hat wanted to play with, so said to use glasses and look at Katsu. Need to remember next time seeing Katsu.

---

Emain Macha was attacked. Was in Ciar Dungeon training when happened. Teacher sent note to go to Tailteann when training was finished. Prepare for people coming. Chopped much firewood for ref-yoo-jees. Feeding food from farms that soldiers were using. Think things are bad. Too many people. Not enough food. Was told Tir Chonail would send supplies to help. Maybe work, but worry about people there too. Want to protect people. Everybody. Mariella, Soifa, and other people say can't - impossible - know that, but will still try. Don't like seeing people suffer, even if not friends.

Don't know if Mariella and Soifa think that. Kept asking if I would destroy for love. Once told Mariella would destroy self to keep Mariella from breaking. Complicated. If self breaks, so does Mariella. But would still do it to protect if needed. Mariella and Soifa didn't want though. Wanted self to destroy for Mariella. Don't like breaking things or people. Don't want to. Many people say same things. Will destroy for protecting what is liked. Creepy said different. Doesn't like breaking. Said that self shouldn't be a knight if don't like to break things, because they do break things. But knights don't like too. Want to protect and don't like breaking to do it - why made laws - is what people that want to destroy don't like too. Say love is more important than law. But if love makes people break people, supposed to be bad?

Thinking of destroying made self remember something else too. Thomas, Mariella and Acanthus said Wolfe is bad for fighting in war that Fenrir can win. J said person that started war is bad person. Doesn't like Fenrir for much more too. People saying Fenrir and Wolfe both started war - both bad. Don't think is truth. Think self might have started war, but don't know how. Just bad and broken memory, but familiar one. Still think did something bad. Keeping secret until know.

Remember more too. Mariella was mad self still didn't feel after taking home. Fed much. Did feel then too. Pain in chest. Remembered more strange things. Baby - woman from Bangor - same one that put self in jail for two years. Won't break J's promise and go back to Bangor to ask, so asked Mariella to give letter to Fenrir. Mariella knows Fenrir. Can talk to. Would try to arrest if self went. Want to find and talk to woman when can. Ask about memory. Think Mariella broke when told. Cried much, but don't know why.

---

Been doing much work since ref-yoo-jees came. Soldiers all busy, so have more jobs in protecting people and shadow realm. No time to fix armor or weapons. Breaking much. Work so much forgot how to make more from memories. Was told when ref-yoo-jees came that Xeek was part of attack on Emain Macha. Said would turn in Xeek too, but still to strong. Xeek was being somebody else. Tried to turn in when learned. Broke self and Honeko when tried to help. Xeek escaped.

Reported and had more jobs to do. This time Honeko helped again with Galin. Talked about choices. Hear much about making choices. Hard to understand, but feel like am making some lately. Things that self is doing that wasn't taught. Like making secrets that should be told. Not turning in people that should be - nowhere to jail still though - no more Emain Macha. Mariella said tried to destroy Wolfe with Thomas and Acanthus other time. Should have turned all in, but didn't. Worried about making more choices. Might be bad.

---

Katsu came to Tailteann. Was helping with transporting supplies. Found self working with ref-yoo-jees and said looked bad. Ordered to rest. Was thinking about what Mariella and Soifa said then. About destroying for love. Katsu said loved self like Mariella did, so asked if should. Katsu said doesn't want to make self do it, but would destroy if had to for same thing. Don't know if good or bad, but said wouldn't let Katsu do that too. Will protect, like everybody. Would destroy self for Katsu too, like would for Mariella. Why am making bet with Serth now. Both love self - care much - am thankful. Will return love someday like said.

Katsu also said Fenrir and army might attack Tailteann soon. Don't know why haven't already. Things very bad. Would be easy to attack. People know too - worrying much. Hear when feeding and working in shadow realm. Defense can't protect from both Fomors in shadow realm and Fenrir. Tir Chonail will be in danger too. But happens when Fenrir attacks. Still hasn't yet. People might be training to fight soon. More ready to attack. Would be good for Fenrir to attack before strong again. Why not?

Year 10

Levels:
Strength: Level 6.5
Intelligence: Level 8
Dexterity: Level 5
Will: Level 6.5
Luck: Level 5
Social: Level 9.5

Intake:
Unknown Ore Fragments - Like
Brifne Rocks - Indifferent
Xeek's Good Luck Charm - Indifferent
Core of Temo's Good Luck Charm - Indifferent

Lessons Learned:
Concept of "Margin of Error"
Dating
Cooking Recipes - Mixed Fruit, Rare Cheesecake, Brifne Rocks, Striped Marlin Steak, Brownies, Gateau Au Chocolat

Year 9-10, Journal Entry 1

For some reason, recent writings have become somewhat abstract and seem to be more notes than any complete thoughts, and in no particular order either...

Zeffie - Fruit maybe, maybe not like cake.
Azarune - Maybe not like cake.
Soifa - Cake
Mr. Creepy - Not like milk. Needs to drink more still. Very small. Not look unbroken much.
Katsu - Chocolate, cheesecake, strawberry milk, fish (maybe - will make)
Mariella - Chocolate, cheesecake, strawberry milk, fish, alcohol (maybe, but bad - make something better)

---

Eyes - blue - clear - like water - moonlight reflections - place in Emain Macha - like where met - familiar...
Eyes - red - like dawn or sunset's time - warm - remember word "twilight" - will ask about...

---

Found heart amulet in shop. Gem in middle. Not right, have half heart, so will make into half.

---

Now have two halfs. Thinking, have two people that would destroy self for. Mariella says love means doing anything for person. Maybe love. Will tell and give since don't have real heart to give yet. Eat gem so no forgetting later.

---

Learn while ago not knight for Emain anymore. Will be knight for everybody then until learning what to do. Families from Emain Macha need protection. Friends need protection. Will find ways to protect everyone. Need to get stronger after losing Serth's bet too.

---

Searching for strong people. Found one. Will ask Xeek for training and find more too.

---

Worried about breaking people close to self.

Year 10, Journal Entry 2

More gibberish...


~Threads. Strings.~

~Puppets. Everyone.~

~Even us.~

~Will never be enough. Will always be blood. They know. Controlled. Like puppets. Being played with.~

~What makes them allow?~

~Pain. Hate. Fear.~

~Correct.~

~Us too?~

~Correct.~

~Wrong. Need to end it.~

~Can. Become what they need. Give what they want.~

~How?~

~Make. Take. Use. Burn strings. Destroy puppeteers. Truly free without.~

~Give what they want?~

~Become what they need. Live, die, and live again by this creed.~

~Until when?~

~Until free.~

...odd words, but what remember from a talk. Not complete, were everywhere like how wrote on page. Echo like when thoughts do. Still, not complete, but help thing about other things. Much happening again. Am guard for Dunbarton, Tailteann, and Tir Chonaill. Still want to protect everyone needing protecting, still trying. Learned Xeek in charge of Dunbarton, so was hired. Cook and do patrols. Was how I found Dranis again. Looks different - didn't know it was Dranis until told - face has scars all over - looking very different, but still talks strange. Can't turn in anymore - not a knight for Emain Macha now.

---

Thought more about words written. Bad feeling came back. Much. Remembered what J said about person who started war being the real bad person. Didn't know what to do, but Mariella asked, so told. Mariella and Katsu said people that love share pain, and felt much pain then, so shared. Think I'm one who started war. Don't know how or why, don't want, but think I started. Looking for more memories. Maybe can learn if finding enough. Mariella promised to make it secret until knew too.

Year 11

Levels:
Strength: Level 8
Intelligence: Level 9
Dexterity: Level 7
Will: Level 8.5
Luck: Level 7
Social: Level 12.5

Intake:
Far too many garnets, sapphires, emeralds, and jaspers to be healthy even for an Ego. (Probably evident from the last entry...) - Indifferent

Lessons Learned:
Farm Care
Cooking Recipes - Grilled Catfish, Chocolate Milk, Corned Abb Neagh Carp and Vegetables, Salt Grilled Sweetfish, T-Bone Steak, Chicken Wings, Grilled Chicken
Conflict of Love Triangles

Year 11, Journal Entry 1

Katsu and Mariella noticed. Said I am more quiet lately. Not see many people. Have had much to think about but only told about choice Katsu and Mariella wanted me to make. Other things happened too. Mariella gave letter to Fenrir. Met with the lady with gold hair and eyes. Wasn't happy, but talked. Still wouldn't tell right name. Just said to call Ms. Light. Asked Ms. Light about memories with baby - looked scared. Told baby was Fenrir's son, but don't think right. Ms. Light's face was strange when said it. Also was told not to find him. Ms. Light would kill if learned I tried searching.

Promised I wouldn't. Don't know about Fenrir's son if Ms. Light was being truthful. Don't think so though. Don't see Fenrir in memories. Just Ms. Light and baby. Didn't ask Ms. Light more though. Did tell about going to Tir Na Nog though. Said sorry - was forgiven - said I would find out somehow anyway - but still wants me to stay away from Fenrir's son.

Still think about though. Try to remember more about son alone, but haven't. Not when eatting gems too. Feel much more though. Body not as strange when touched places. Feels comfortable or can feel pain better. Checked when Katsu wanted to be attacked. Felt all pain well. Still don't think I feel like Mariella wants yet, but haven't seen in while to check. Worried. Talked with Katsu and Mariella about why loving more than one is bad. Understand why they don't like, but also think I was wrong when Mariella loved me and Dranis. Kept saying was bad and Mariella changed for, but now think I see. Did bad and now same choice wanted for Katsu and Mariella.

Not see much of since being told that - worry more. Care much for both - both make me Temo. Wouldn't be same if hurting one or both. Know that much, but don't know how. Katsu taught that I make me Temo, but still don't feel right. But understand choice now. Can make decisions for self. But self's choice isn't wanted. Don't want to choose just one when two make me Temo. But being unfair. Have to choose.

Will ask Xeek to impale me to mountain like promised later maybe. Feeling strange - feels like good thing to do.

Year 11, Journal Entry 2

Gave farm to better farmer. Crops growing good, but thinking too much. Don't feel right. Not caring well for them. Farmer promised to take care of Glass too - said could visit and move when ready. Not ready now. Need to go somewhere better to think. Somewhere quiet. Less jobs lately, don't think many people will mind. But need to go. Where can't talk for while.

Katsu said I can make choices. Have for long time after learning enough. If true, going to start making choices while leaving. Will walk back soon.

---

Had to sneak through Gairech and Sen Mag again, but towns still empty. Everybody moved and Requiem army doesn't go in. Don't know why. Nothing to fight there. Still safe and can go to Iria this way though. How I went with Katsu to learn the skill for two swords. Had to fly too. Water still dangerous. Same many broken ships when landing in Iria - safe but still don't like flying - easy to fall.

---

Stay on beach in Qilla. Easy to think here. Not many come and don't talk when do. Like watching ocean waves while looking for gems. Water reminds of Katsu's eyes. Remember more of Katsu now. Taught much before losing self first time. Cared when others left alone. Was thankful. Still am. Love Katsu for it - for still loving.

Thought about choice Katsu and Mariella want me to make while here too - why love both and not just one - why don't feel it wrong even if told it's bad - why won't choose one more than other. Tried telling many times, but I never said right. Maybe can write better.

~Wrote about remembering more of Katsu. Think Katsu was right. Maybe name is Gatemo. If not true, still feel I know Katsu from long time ago - Katsu was there when others left alone - when others didn't like - when others...did bad things. Don't remember, but remember how I felt. Wasn't good. Hurts thinking about. So love Katsu for all done. For being Katsu. Even after leaving. Don't remember other things Katsu told though. Like being married. Don't think was, or would remember, or have something to remember with like when watching other marriage. Don't mind why Katsu left, but glad back. Felt like part of self came back too.

~Mariella is Mariella too. Mariella was there when lost and forgot everything. Grew with Mariella too. Maybe grew a second time...do remember Katsu smaller when first knowing, but don't mind. Glad to grow again with Mariella. Learned much from others, but others come and go. Mariella always stayed - always cared - always watched; did bad things, hurt many including Mariella - but still think Mariella wants to be good. Think Mariella is good. Showed how to care again when forgot. Mariella said loves me because do same for Mariella.

Do for both - try hard to - don't mind if break doing it, or fail, but will still try. Told was unfair - both don't like. Understand, but also understand choice now. If can't tell again, will show.

Both part of self. Maybe why if self breaks for them, both break too. Why gave pieces of charm. Part of self for both. Gift. Like Katsu said love is - thankful for both's love and love both too. So can both keep charm even if I break. Part of self will still be with, so I will never be complete broken.

---

Two days until next ship. Almost bought ticket, but heard water still dangerous. Will have to fly again, but not now. Thinking more. Will have many jobs again when going back. Maybe things changed. Not as long as two years was when much changed last time, but time still passed. Worried for people, but have to think. Told Mariella about starting war. Katsu knows too. Both sharing that pain - thankful - good talking about things.

But maybe should talk to someone who doesn't care about me too. Learned when knight about law and when judgement passes. Have never had judgement before. Maybe time to try. Will find someone good with judging. Maybe can help understand why war was started too. Don't remember.

---

Leaving on bird soon. Making list to remind of what to do.

~Talk to Katsu and Mariella. Tell choice.
~More jobs.
~Find judge.
~Still searching for existence. Told have one, but don't know what for still. Keep searching.
~Tell name. Ga-temo Eir. Remember more about name and self.