The inner thoughts of Vayne (Journal)

Yet another sporadic entry. It's pointless to post pointlessness. This one was ripped out of his journal and balled loosely, thrown against the kitchen wall and into a corner--left there.

Life's been better. So much better. I should be happy. And I am. I worry for my son, but I know he'll be fine. I know he will. Aldora and my children remain the light of my life. My days, surely, are filled with joy. Yet..

Night. My nights are filled with pain. No, no nightmares. Rather a place where things are better. Where the things that I cannot possibly hope to change in my life taunt me, by failing to exist. Perfection bites at me, and fills me with dormant rage, and revitalizes once diminished pains. At first, it brought smiles to my face. Maybe it was a sign of hope. Now? Now I"m thankful I wake up before my wife, so that she doesn't see the tears that come in darkness. I have learned to hate it. I've learned to..even fear it. My dream.

It's in a beautiful home. The Tailteann house. Why the Tailteann house? So little history behind it. So little meaning. Beautiful day lilies line the front, and the doors seem to welcome me each time I see it, like a long lost friend. There are no alarms; there are no surprises. I walk inside, and peer out a side window. I can see Soifa working on her alchemy, a smile on her face. A real smile. Nobody's bothering her. Hyuponia was nowhere to be found, and mother and Temo were happy as could be. I feel contentment, but nothing to the extent of what comes.

I don't see him, but I know Jeton is healthy, and well. Aldora is sitting on the couch, reading one of her 'romance' novels. I always find it amusing how they get to her. Katarin is as full of energy as ever, and still a pain. But I wouldn't have it any other way. In a glass jar is a black rose. It never gets out, it never had a chance to ruin my life.

Because of this, I was able to be with Annabelle in her early years. I think this is what hurts the most. Mother and Temo are together. Hyuponia doesn't interfere with my life. Soifa's behaving (perhaps there's hope), and I know in my heart Jeton will persevere. But Anna. Anna, I do not have even in this world--not how I should. Anna, I can not have in this world; family and fate have seen to that. But there? There, I am not just her father, I am her dad. She confides in me, and I in her. I share her joys and pains. We are close..and I hate it.

Oh, how it tortures me! Life, you boa! How you never let go. Sleep, you viper! How every night you strike once more. I will never be "Daddy", even if she calls me as such. Never will I hold that most coveted place in my daughter's heart; never will that sneering, cruel face of that vile impostor leave from my mind! Second best, I will always be. I can see the way she regards me. I know she cares, but I feel as though I am a stepfather more than anything. A consolation prize. A year's absence has stolen from me a lifetime from her. I may fix many things. However, things will never be better here. This..this is what gets me. There is no hatred quite like that which is found within the father. And there is nothing I can do. Yes, I can hunt and kill the thief. I can make him pay for his crimes. But in doing so, I'd lose what little I already have. He's well protected from my revenge, and for that he is lucky.

I wish, I wish every night upon waking I could go back and fix that. I wish my daughter was my daughter; not just my offspring and charge. But life presses on, paying no mind to the scares it may inflict.

Normally, I'd never share this--not even here, to myself. Too personal. However, last night..last night, that dream was different. I saw him. In my house, with my wife and daughters. He wasn't even wearing my face, and they didn't care. There were no words spoken. All they did was smile. Funny how so simple a thing became the most powerful nightmare I've ever had. For my sake, I pray I never see him again. For if I do, I fear I'll forever sever the bond that I do have with my daughter and, perhaps, even my wife. She does, after all, share memories with him.

I wish I was able to be so articulate in verbal discussion. I really do.

((Just done because I had that dream last night while thinking how Vayne thinks. Putting myself in his head. Left in a place where it could be seen for the sake of entry into Vayne's inner workings IC for anyone, for their own purposes or just to get a better look into his thought processes and why he's so gloom and doom. Also a tribute to certain forms of poetry))